My boyfriend (I’ll call him J) and I have known each other since we were 13. We started dating a few months ago now that we’re 21 and I don’t trust him. I keep trying to work to fix it but I can’t do it alone.

When we were 16 the day before I found out he committed to his first girlfriend he kept trying to kiss me and start something but the boy I was in love with came and I left with that boy. It bothers me to this day cause I knew that J had been having something with this girl for about 2 months prior but still was trying to start something with me.

Throughout our years of friendship I always knew he would hide more from me than he’d admit but I didn’t really care enough to pry so I didn’t ever ask more, but this made it very obvious to me whenever he was lying.

Then we started sleeping together around October 2019 although it was long distance. I was strict that I didn’t want more but he kept obviously expressing more to the point where his favorite indie artist called us out for being too cute at a post-concert meet & greet and I had to clarify that we weren’t dating. Then on the drive to my place afterwards we discussed it again and when we agreed we wouldn’t be a couple I saw obvious signs he was lying but I told myself to not care cause I at least knew what I wanted.

We committed to a relationship end of November cause he was kind of insistent on being present in my life daily and as more than a friend to the point where everyone around us called him my boyfriend. Come February after months of it eating at me I come to terms with the fact that I’m not invested in this relationship as much as him cause I don’t trust him as much as I used to when we were friends. And beginning of March I realize why when our mutual best friend told me he cheated on his girlfriend.. with the same girl that J slept with a week before him and I started dating.

I was hurt, shattered. All of this just confirmed my doubts and inability to trust J as my boyfriend. Again, I’ve known both J and our best friend for years and I know they both are terribly hopeless romantics that let love consume them to the point where they work so hard for any girl they love, but I just never felt as though J worked like that for me making me not trust him.

I broke up with J and he was broken and devastated. To me it hurt so much more that I’d lost 1. a friend I’d had for years and 2. a person I have trusted for so long and has seen me grow in so many ways. After about a week he said we either get back together or never speak again so I felt a little obligated to return to the relationship and in doing that I tried to be honest about my heartache to work with him to fix it and fix us and our relationship, but this is when every little ounce of me that wanted to keep trying got broken.

I’d be entirely vulnerable to him in order to get his help but seeing the pain he caused me led to him yelling at me and fighting me saying that I was selfish for hurting him by showing him that. That broke my heart and honestly, all my hope in us ever having the good relationship we had before but I still tried to stay for the sake of my friend. But that meant being the only person who was there for me through that heartbreak and honestly, the only person I could rely on since all my closest friends were also his.

About a week ago he proceeded to fight me again because he feels “useless” because I’m not as hopelessly in love as before. So I decided to be honest and tell him that my trust in him is hanging by a thread cause whenever I try to rely on him he just scolds me and so he told me that if I ever said anything rude like that to him again he would never speak to me again.

So here I am a week later… honestly just wondering why in the world I am still in this relationship and trying so hard. I know that if I put in the work that trust and love could be rebuilt but the fact that anytime I try to be open about my feelings to try and do that I get scolded gives me no hope. Nowadays it just feels like I sit around and act so fake just for the sake of making him happy and when I do it hurts me so much more cause it reminds me how unhappy I am…

I don’t know, I guess the obvious feels like it should be us breaking up but if anyone could give me advice about how to go about trying to rebuild that kind of trust I would greatly appreciate. Especially with the state of the world right now I just feel like I’m stopped at a crossroads and have no idea what to do.

So WHY are You in this ‘relationship’ ?

This is why I created my “rule with no exceptions:”

My friends are my friends and my fcks are my fcks and never the twain shall meet.

Thankfully, I was only 16 when one of my best friends decided we should change our relationship to include a romantic part. I say “thankfully” because we just made out because I wasn’t going to give it up without being married and we definitely weren’t stupid enough to think about marriage.

We never argued when we were best friends, but once we became romantically involved, all we did was fight.

I remember the argument that ended our romantic relationship and took us back to a very strained “friends only” relationship.

We went along like that until I met my first husband. George and I were in college together and I ran into him on the quad. I told him Jeff and I were going to get married that December. He looked at me, said “F*ck you,” turned around, walked off and didn’t speak to me for three years.

That was when I made my “rule with no exceptions.”

I ran into him again when my first marriage was ending and we began to rebuild our friendship. It’s now a good friendship, but it’s kind of like Humpty Dumpty, except the friendship was put back together – but with all the cracks and the scars, it will never as good as it was before our detour.

Your friendship with him is over. If you’re lucky, you might be like George and I are – with a friendship that has been put back together as much as it can (with a tremendous amount of effort), but always with a slight strain.

It seems that your romantic relationship isn’t what you want it to be, either.

So yes, you’ve lost both your lover and your friend.

Mourn the loss of your friend, then pick yourself up and keep on trucking.

(And LEARN from this experience, sweetie!)